a mental image i didn't need.

mom: go buy gramma some gravel for the plane trip.

me: ok.

mom: uh, make sure it's the non-suppository kind.

funny

i thought when i'd finally have my own car, my own shiny, new, beautiful vehicle, that i'd immediately achieve some grandiose sense of freedom.

[a while ago, i read that circus owners use intense metal chains to hold down baby elephants in their pens, so that by the time they weighed two tons and were full adults, all they needed to be held down was a tiny wooden stake attached to a piece of rope around one foot]

but, i have faith that i am just being cautious, and that it won't take long for it to sink in that i can go anywhere i want so long as i can afford the gas money.

and then i will drive this mofo right into the ground.

shopping adventure

[leaving the mall]

mom: hey! wait, come back. we have to go back to 'cotton ginny'.

me [halfway across the parking lot]: whyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

mom: because gramma accidentally stole something.

cars! are! expensive!!!

so, there is a huge 'SOLD' sign across the windshield of what will hopefully be my new, sweet set of wheels. i thought i would be more thrilled than i feel right now, but maybe i'm still in shock. i've never had a car, and rarely even have access to a car, so having a brand new compact suv all to myself is kind of...mind boggling.

whee!

good things

1) potluck dinner earlier this evening. potlucks are awesome because everyone puts extreme effort into their dish--lest they be harrassed and heckled and jeered and judged openly in front of their peers. and whomever it was that dumped half a jar of cheese whiz into a dish and cracked open a bag of tortilla chips deserves to be severely judged by her peers.

2) jann arden concert, tonight. d'you hear me?!?! JANN-AGE!

3) new car shopping, tomorrow

motherly advice

[realizing i forgot to pick something up on my walmart run, walmart being 35kms away]

me: %&*@!!!!!

my mother: so, you might want to look into curing that Tourette's before starting your job with young and vulnerable clients.

transitions

home! and i haven't killed anyone yet! progress, not perfection.

so, i handled The Move much better than anticipated. this is not to say that i am overjoyed at the prospect of residing in a town wherein your fake teeth are reserved for such weekly special occasions as sunday church. this is only to say that i did not end up having a huge break-down or hissy fit yesterday as the moving van pulled away from my beloved city on the lake.

i am trying to stay positive about this move back home. on one hand, i hate everything about delhi; on the other hand, hey, free eggos and laundry facilities! woot!

i am! drunk!

well, not really. but two drinks in quick succession is a novelty for me, so there.

pack my stuff.

Al Gore would not be impressed.

i love throwing things in the garbage. this? sounds stupid? and kinda crazy?

so what. this is the sound of honesty, my friends.

i am in the process of getting the hell out of here, and i hate, HATE, haaaaaaaaaaate moving. everything that i can give away or throw away is literally a wee little burden being lifted off my shoulders--one less paper or empty binder that will weigh me down as i have to descend 4 flights of deadly narrow stairs to deposit my stuff to the 'moving vehicle', aka a mini-van sans seats. because, you know, the laws of physics do not apply to my mother, and somehow she will be able to cram an entire apartment of stuff into a mini van. Lord give me strength on this one.

or, at least, a lot of heavy duty glad bags.

wish

Part 1

Someone tucks me into bed.



Part 2

While I am dreaming of new cars, that someone finishes my essay, ensuring that I get the required B+.

who sits at their computer and writes this crap???

not me! in fact, i couldn't even read the entire thing without throwing up a little.
*************************************************

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.
Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do
I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located
your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it
okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override
Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem.
However, you have to completely disable Grudge and Resentment. Those
programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you kill
those?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and select
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely disabled.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the
upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -
program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to
run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance then click on the following
files...Forgive-Self, Realize Your Worth and Acknowledge Your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile
is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and
running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

studying at Chapters

[after a lengthy and undeserved 1/2 hour wandering session]

me: ah, so many glorious books.

friend: get back to work.

me [studying for 20 seconds, then luxuriously stretching my arms while doing another look around the store]

friend: STOP LOOKING AT THE COLOURFUL THINGS AND GET BACK TO WORK! NO MORE COLOUR FOR YOU!

procrastinating

ugh, the end of the school year. who knew slacking off all term would have negative consequences???

and after i finish up this week, i have to deal with this! FOR THREE AND A HALF MONTHS, PEOPLE! the movie 'deliverance' keeps running through my mind (complete with the 'dueling banjos' musical piece), as i gently rock to and forth in my chair, hugging myself and muttering: it WILL be ok! it WILL be ok!



oy.

i was amused to discover that the town has a 'wiki' article. at least the author was accurate about the prejudice going on, as is seen in the subtle referencing to every nationality insisting on having and maintaining its own community hall (there are four large halls, which is a lot for a town of less than 5000). god forbid a belgian would have to sit beside a hungarian at a bar. what would they say, seeing as how everyone speaks english and all?

"In my own words"

ah, personal ads. this is the funniest one i've ever read, and trust me, i've read a lot of 'em.

"I'm a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, breed prize-winning clams and bake 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I manage time efficiently.

When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail. Children trust me. Occasionally, I tread water for 3 days in a row.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. Once, using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

I can hurl tennis racquets at tiny moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read "Paradise Lost" and "War and Peace" in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I can withstand torture worthy of the Spanish Inquisition.

I have performed many covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

To let off steam, I play full-contact origami. I've made extraordinary 4-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster-oven and have spoken with Elvis."

MARRY ME!!!

sugar, it's what's for dinner

(and lunch, and breakfast)

(AND, 'pre-breakfast snack').


God bless MSN. here we go.

friend: chocolate overdose! breakfast yesterday: double chocolate donut. pre-breakfast snack: part of a giant chocolate egg.

me: 'pre-breakfast snack'? awesome.

friend: lunch, margerine sugar sandwich.

me: sugar sandwich? wth!

friend: post lunch, some more of that darned egg.

me: 'margerine sugar sandwich'!?!

friend: u've seen me eat those.

me: is this something someone else would eat? i am not recalling what this is.

friend: well, it's something my dad eats. butter and sugar. but butter's too hard to spread in the morning when u're in a hurry.

me: this is a sandwich?

friend: yeah, 2 pieces of bread, buttered, sugared ;)

me: so, a sandwich with butter and sugar.

friend: trust me it's good.

me: i am totally putting this conversation on my blog.


also? this friend? weighs about as much as one of my legs. maddening.

at shopper's drug mart

a sign describing the contents of an aisle:

"gift wrap, greeting cards, incontinence"

it's best to put the incontinence products in close reach of the hallmark cards, especially the mother's day ones. i know that when i read some of them, i totally feel like crapping my pants.

squee!

well, here i am! the funniest thing i saw today? chuck norris action jeans.

'won't bind your legs!'

think of the butt-kicking a man can do in a pair of jeans made from 98% cotton and 2% spandex. mind blowing.